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Happy Monday everybody. Oh, stop it! OK. A United flight out of Germany bound for San Francisco was forced to turn around after feces flowed into the cabin, which was unfair to the feces. It had bought a ticket to see its family in San Francisco (it came from Germany). The White House warned that sticky fingered reporters are stealing items from Air Force One. Hey, leave me out of this, says one man. Remember him? Masturbator. A new study finds that 40% of adults will go days without face to face interaction. I should be so lucky. For me, it’s 100% face to a**. Thank God you found the pictures of us clothed.
Lizzo announced she’s quitting the music business because she’s tired of being dragged by everyone in her life and on the internet. She says she plans to spend more time with her fridge. The good news is, her doctor says walking away from the music industry will be the most exercise she’s had in years. It is intriguing that her announcement to keep a low profile comes just days before a solar eclipse. Coincidence or just lame? Just before the start of an NCAA women’s basketball game this weekend, officials discovered that the three point lines weren’t the same distance on both sides of the court. Fans were outraged that the game postponed their flea market. It’s a good joke.
VideoA new survey finds that half of senior congressional staffers are considering quitting their jobs. Staffers say the environment’s so toxic they can’t find a quiet place to film themselves having anal sex. Morgan just looked up. Economists are cautioning consumers who are upset over higher prices, that things costing more is a good sign for the economy. Plus, they add that rising formula prices mean babies are slimmer than ever. Look at those babies abbs. A Wall Street Journal report says that living in a van is more difficult than expected. Well, I could have told you that.
On this day in 1889, the first dishwasher was marketed in Chicago. It came with two movable arms, a cloth covering, and a cheerful demeanor. All right.
When protesting isn’t fun, they call 911. Remember last week when we covered the greatest story there ever was, or perhaps will ever be? Well, it’s time once again for: Tampon Terror. Yes, it was a campus emergency to end all campus emergencies. During yet another protest against Israel, a woman had to change her tampon, so her friend called 911:
STUDENT/911 OPERATOR EXCHANGE: Yeah, there is a currently a female student who is being denied the right to change her tampon that has been in for multiple hours, which leads to an increased risk of toxic shock syndrome. So while you’re saying… I’m a female I understand. Right. So then you should understand. Okay. What you are not hearing, what you’re not hearing is that if she stands up to use the restroom to change her tampon, they are threatening arrest. So it is not an option for her. Ma’am, do you have an emergency? Yes, ma’am, I do. That is an emergency. No, do you have an emergency? Not your friend that’s inside. Do you have an emergency? That is my emergency. Yeah, I don’t I don’t remember the time that I needed to have an emergency personally to call 911 for help. I’m sorry, what? I don’t remember a time when it has to be a personal emergency for me to call 911 for help. I am requesting assistance. Medical. Urgent assistance!
VideoOh, man. That was over a tampon. But I’m sure for them, that time of the month is every day of the month. Look, I’m happy to send maxi pads to soak up their tears, but this is hardly the stuff of Nelson Mandela. Somehow they’re cool with bloodshed by Hamas terrorists but an unexpected visit from Aunt Flo has them screaming, bloody murder. Here was our reaction to the original story.
GUTFELD! FLASHBACK: The people who want to defund the police called the police over a tampon. But this is not the first time protesters made us think of feminine products. Usually they always act like douche bags. But she chooses to waste the city’s resources and call 911 over a damn tampon. She should have just called me. I know people. I could have… I could have pulled some strings.
VANDERBILT STUDENTS ARRESTED, SUSPENDED AT ROWDY PROTEST OVER ANTI-ISRAEL BALLOT INITIATIVE
Now, the jokes right themselves because the protesters are jokes themselves. Now, because we’re a major news show covering the important stories, we’re going to bring you an update. Some of the students involved got arrested and held a presser the next day. Check out this chubby chuckle head.
VideoSTUDENT: I was one of the few students who was arrested last night inside Kirkland Hall. I just want to really quickly kind of share my experiences and compare them to what I experienced last night. Again, as people have said, for 21 hours we were deprived of medical attention. We were deprived of sleep. We are deprived of food, water, resources. And at 5:30 in the morning, I got a pat on my back. I was told to stand up. I was handcuffed and I was escorted out of my own university. I was not told where I was going. I was not told what I was being charged with. It’s disgusting that this is how they treat student protesters on this campus. Crowd: Shame! In jail, I experienced better conditions than at Vanderbilt University. I had access to water. I had access to a bathroom. I had access to my friends and the ability to rest. How dare this university deprive us of basic humanity. We demand that Vanderbilt reinstate the referendum. That they drop all charges against students that were filed under false pretenses. That they drop the suspensions and harassment from administration, and that they issue an immediate apology to what we experienced over the last 24 hours because enough is enough.
PRO-PALESTINIAN PROTESTERS INTERRUPT EASTER VIGIL SERVICE AT ST. PATRICK’S CATHEDRAL IN NYC
Awwwhhh did you get the feeling the tampon was actually for that guy? I mean, he did look a little bloated, and, you know, if it is your time of the month, dude, maybe don’t plan on risking jail. Instead, try the Red Roof Inn. Nope. But let’s recount the facts. According to the reporting, they trespassed in a building, assaulted a guard, pushed staffers who offered to meet with them, then they sat down, refused to leave. So, morons, how do you think an act of uncivil disobedience ends? With mommy coming to tuck you in? Getting arrested is the idea. That’s the part where you sing we shall overcome, not we shall overflow. That’s not bravery. That’s a tantrum. And I hope potential employers take note. Looking at you, Starbucks. Now, here’s a perfect tale from one of the other intrepid freedom fighters in this theater of the absurd.
VideoSTUDENT: In essence, they tried to break us. They tried to break our bodies. They tried to break our spirits. They’re not going to manage because they all think like individuals and we’re thinking as a collective.
Yeah, a collective pile of horses***. I got news for you, beanpole. You’re not thinking at all. Collective thinking is for in-sex comedies and The View. And if you personally need something to think about, I’d recommend protein shakes and bench presses. But does this soy boy even realize he just admitted that they’re all a bunch of mindless automatons who can’t think for themselves? Who are just engaging in a risk free hobby that they think makes them relevant. Here’s a few more privileged robots from the collective. Yesterday at Saint Patrick’s Cathedral, a group of protesters, at least one in a Palestinian scarf, disrupted Easter mass.
Yeah. That’s a priest who can play on my pickleball team any day. What better way to honor the patron saint of the Irish than kicking the a**es of uppity strangers? Now, the reasons these buffoons could do this is that not only will they suffer no consequences, they also don’t have to deal with the actual issues. They have the luxury of distance and ignorance with beliefs propped up by an enabling system they hate. Last time I checked, Saint Patrick’s didn’t sit on the West Bank. But this comes down to luxury beliefs.
VideoBeliefs held by White libs, whose everyday material needs are taken care of and believe that they should be catered to like they’re emotional, physical invalids. And when they protest, they are far removed from whatever cause of the day they actually embrace. These ego driven dopes couldn’t find Gaza on a map of Gaza if you showed them Gaza on a map. So let me address them directly. Children, nobody in Hamas or even Gaza for that matter, knows who you are or gives half a crap. In fact, none of the silly chants and slogans you use against America here are ever uttered in Gaza. The Gazans are not worried about Vanderbilt’s investments.
There’s no social protest movement in Gaza. They hate you, too. And terrorist groups are not big on the First Amendment. If you tried social protests in a place ruled by Hamas, you’d probably look at October 7th a bit differently. And another thing Hamas is probably not big on, freedoms like women’s rights. Try disrupting mosque services in Gaza. I’m pretty sure there are no tampon dispensers in the ladies or the men’s rooms either. Of course, whatever charges those students will face will likely earn a slap on the wrist. Although as frail as they are, that might be fatal. But really, the fault here lies with more than just social justice jerk offs who don’t realize they’ve become a parody of themselves.
VideoIt’s our system. We reward this. Since Vanderbilt costs about $60 grand a year and is ranked as a top 20 school, those are our elites, our future leaders. Just a few years, they’ll be running things, which is when their luxury beliefs, untethered to the realities that make them possible, will threaten every hard won freedom the rest of us have. Like public safety, the border, a neutral media, a legal system.
So are they funny? Sure. But maybe not so much, because there’s a lot more at stake here than tampons.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).
