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Happy Monday, everybody. All right, let’s get started. Barack Obama met with Joe Biden and allegedly told him Donald Trump would win if Biden didn’t make changes. Biden replied, thank you, son, just park the car over there. Because, you know, he doesn’t know where he is. Speaking of the president, he has now presided over a record-breaking 11 embassy evacuations, his second broken record after most kids sniffed in one hour. Disgusting.
Two Canadian men who were switched at birth 70 years ago finally received a formal apology from the government. Justin Trudeau can relate after just finding out his dad is Fidel Castro. I don’t know. According to new research, dogs can understand the meaning of nouns. They’re also pretty good at understanding commands like sit. I don’t get it. A new report finds that inventories at pawnshops are exploding, which could be a sign that times remain tough for many Americans. The good news? I just bought Claudine Gay’s glasses.
The new massive government spending bill signed Saturday bans flying pride flags at our embassies around the world. But then how will you find the best spots for brunch? Asks Hamas. That’s how you find the best brunch spots in New York. You look for the pride flags. I figured I’d explain it. A new poll finds that church attendance has declined for most religious groups. I guess my nude hits on “Fox and Friends Weekend” are paying off. A new study shows that playground bullies grow up to earn more in middle age, which makes sense. Adults tend to have more lunch money. Did you know that today is International Waffle Day? No wonder Brian Stelter is letting all his calls go to voicemail. Because he’s fat. And finally, the FDA has agreed to remove posts warning against using Ivermectin to treat Covid-19. But the agency still recommends you wear a mask if you’re a horse’s a**.
VideoAll right. Let’s do a monologue.
So, a Berkeley professor is under fire for once again telling the truth. In an online student-teacher forum, Professor Jonathan Shewchuck responded to a student seeking dating advice by saying, “If you want a girlfriend, get out of the Bay Area.” Solid advice. But it’s the same advice I’d give someone seeking not just a decent date but a decent apartment, a place to park without your windows getting smashed, and a sidewalk that’s not an obstacle course of human turds. Get out of the Bay Area. It works for everything. Then the professor continued, “Almost everywhere else on the planet is better for that [dating.] You’ll be shocked by the stark differences in behavior of women in places where women are plentiful versus their behavior within artillery distance of San Jose in San Francisco.”
Now, maybe it’s not the best idea to ask your college professor for dating tips. You wind up as lonely as me at an ugly man’s convention. But the professor makes a good point. In an area where options are scarce, you end up with fewer choices. Better to have the odds stacked in your favor. That’s why I hit on women in the Planet Fitness locker room. Now, I don’t want to speak for Shewchuck, although somebody probably needs to because by now, Gavin Newsom must have a SWAT team surrounding his house. But really, what the professor is professing was simply the law of supply and demand.
VideoApparently, it’s his belief that there are fewer women in the area than straight males would like. And reading between the lines that the women who are there may be slightly difficult. Translation? The personality of Joy Behar with the body of Joy Behar. It’s the type of female who thinks traditional means growing free-range armpit hair. I agree. To us, this is simple math, but to the left, it’s shockingly chauvinistic. Of course, the outrage that followed was as predictable as finding Kilmeade crying in the restroom. Women students hyperventilated that they were being objectified, but some of them should be so lucky. The only thing objectifying them are their cats. And God forbid if one of these girls slips and falls, then they’ll be the cat’s fancy feast.
It is funny, though. Women feel objectified when you desire them, but now they’re objectified when you try to get away from them. Now, as someone who is often objectified, I can tell you that denying the basic reality that most women love men does women no good. I try to tell them to resist the desire to smother me in whipped cream, but it only hurts them more. But denying this basic truth of the sexes isn’t liberating or fulfilling. It’s what leads to Saturday nights alone writing Trey Gowdy erotica. I know. But it also leads to a miserable political party.
VideoDon’t take my word for it. Here’s James Carville, a longtime Democrat strategist. “There are too many preachy females. Don’t drink beer, don’t watch football, don’t eat hamburgers. The whole talk is about how women and women of color are going to decide this election… 48% of the people that vote are males.” What Carville is describing is what Michael Malice calls the AWFL’s: affluent, White, female, liberals. And this is their dunce cap. Their main currency in life is not happiness, but outrage. They traffic in oversized empathy without the controls supplied by piggish unthinking Neanderthal men. See, we men know our faults. We get it. We’re callous. We rarely cry. We prefer boxing over book clubs. But our flaws are married to our strengths.
We think about consequences, often to an extreme. Remember how every man was talking about the decline of the Roman Empire for months, while women just looked at them confused? That’s what men do. We see down the road, then buy a gun, take a self-defense class, install a bucket toilet in the game room. Women’s strengths, empathy and feeling, are wonderful, but unchecked? You end up in a weird place and so do men. Like, say, competing in a women’s swim meet. That’s the irony. It’s the delusional empathy toward the latest causes that end up hurting women most, whether it’s in crime, immigration, sports, and even relationships. You can only go so far cheering on the demise of society because it makes you feel something. And so, the miserable mavens are willing to overlook what great men can do because great men aren’t nice. Here’s journalist Kara Swisher on Bill Maher’s show slamming Elon Musk.
KARA SWISHER EXCHANGE WITH BILL MAHER
VideoImagine how many quadriplegics heard that and wished they could give her the finger. But an awful, like Swisher, would happily dispense with all that male achievement, you know, because he’s a big jerk. But maybe, Kara, being indifferent to your feelings is necessary when saving the world, something Swisher will never be capable of doing, as she’s too busy getting mad over tweets.
So, of course, by now, the professor has been forced to meet with school officials, then issue a groveling apology stating that he didn’t mean to blame the blameless. Sorry, Jonathan, but yeah, you did. And you were right over the target, buddy. Because whoever the kid was who got your advice, you did him a favor. You told him the truth. That they’re not blameless.
Angry, hyper-liberal women in the Bay Area are scaring off what would be their best partners. And so they’re left alone with their causes. And if they want attention, they’ll have to poop in public, just like everyone else. So we’re left to ask, why? Does it really make sense for the Democratic Party to constantly villainize 50% of the electorate? Look, men may not be the better half, but they’re half. So why not meet us halfway and we’ll pick up the bill?
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).
