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According to legal expert Jonathan Turley, Trump’s on trial for allegedly falsifying business records related to payments to porn star Stormy Daniels. Turley added that it’s a misdemeanor and the statute of limitations ran out.
Somehow, none of that matters in New York City, where guys who randomly punch kids are given a pat on the back and a key to the city. But when it comes to porn star payments, you’d better keep records more detailed than a CVS receipt. But first up: What’s up with hush money?
You’re not supposed to talk about sleeping with a porn star? If that were me, I wouldn’t shut up about it.
My friends would be like, “Yes, we know Greg, then Stormy tied you down and spanked you unconscious with a pickleball racket. How many times are you going to tell us?” Me sleeping with adult film stars — I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret, and neither would they. But they should. They should shut up. That’s the deal when you charge for sex.
You break that time-honored pledge, and you soil what is otherwise a noble profession that gave us Mata Hari, Heidi Fleiss and Eleanor Roosevelt. I might be wrong on that one. Anywho, Trump’s not happy.
FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP: As you know, my son is graduating from high school, and it looks like the judge will not let me go through the graduation of my son, who’s worked very, very hard. Yeah, he’s a great student. Very proud of the fact that he did so well, and was looking forward for years to have graduation with his mother and father there, and it looks like the judge isn’t going to allow me to escape this scam. It’s a scam trial.
VideoI haven’t seen him this ticked off since I rejected his offer to be the spokesman for Trump Steaks. What can I say? I’m a dedicated vegan. The closest I come nowadays to putting meat in my mouth is when I do downward-facing dog in my nude yoga class. Of course, in their zeal to destroy Trump, Dems are doing him a favor again. For one thing, high school graduations are boring.
You sit there for hours in a hot, sweaty auditorium and listen to a bunch of names of strangers’ kids just to see 20 seconds when the only important one is getting his diploma. If you’re lucky, the kid in the wheelchair might pop a wheelie. What’s wrong? And it’s not like it’s hard to get a high school degree. Everyone has one except Greta Thunberg.
It’s a high school diploma, for cripes’ sake. It’s like an Adderall prescription. At that age, everyone gets one. Plus, it’s just stressful being around all those seniors. How many times can I repeat, “Call me when you’re 18”? But maybe I’m just resentful because nobody cared when I graduated from cosmetology school.
I was class valedictorian and received the Vidal Sassoon Award for outstanding achievement in hair treatment. I came up with the first p**** hair straightener for inmates. It was called “Haired Straight.” But if Trump wants to go to his son’s graduation, he should.
Former President Donald Trump attends the funeral of mother-in-law Amalija Knavs alongside his wife Melania, son Barron, and father-in-law Viktor Knavs at the Church of Bethesda-by-the-Sea in Palm Beach, Florida on Thursday, January 18, 2024. Knavs passed away at the age of 78 in Miami on January 9, 2024 . (Alon Skuy for Fox News Digital)
Graduations are like losing your virginity — it only happens a few times. And trying to stop him is the biggest favor the Dems can do for him. They’ll give him martyr status. He’s already like Jesus in that he’s the only one who can raise Joe Biden from the dead.
Just imagine if Trump blows off a day of his dumb trial to watch his son graduate and the cops show up and arrest him. You want bad optics? It’ll look worse than the time Jesse wore leggings to sexual harassment training.
Sure, the libs in every newsroom will cheer. Jon Stewart will joke about it on “The Daily Show” or “TDS,” as I like to call it. How did he swing that gig, anyway?
NINE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE TRUMP TRIAL, ANSWERED
Like Chris Christie’s personal trainer, this guy only works one day a week. And those clucking hens on “The View” will high-five each other so hard, Joy will break both her wrists and have to eat her hay and oats bent over a trough.
But the rest of America, the actual voters, they all got to go to their children’s graduations or hope to one day. They’ll see the injustice and they will go nuts. So if you’re watching, President Trump, just go to the graduation. You know, I bet some Brit will steal that line.
PIERS MORGAN: If you’re watching, President Trump, just go to the graduation. Every parent in America, whether they like you or hate you, will go, “Yeah, I’d have done that too,” because this case is utterly ridiculous. Why would you not think that what you’re doing here is going to almost guarantee Donald Trump wins the next election? The only thing that could absolutely guarantee it is if he’s found guilty and put in a prison cell. Because at that moment, Trump wins by a landslide.
VideoYeah. For once, a Brit is right about something. Well, it’s easy when you’re competing with Prince Harry, the Teletubbies and Mr. Bean. But once again, Turley said it best.
TRUMP HUSH MONEY TRIAL IS A ‘FRANKENSTEIN CASE’ THAT’S BEEN ‘ZAPPED’ INTO LIFE: TURLEY
JONATHAN TURLEY: Everything about this case is, in my view, legally absurd. You know, this case is basically a state misdemeanor that had run out on the statute of limitations. They took a dead misdemeanor and bootstrapped it into effectively trying a federal crime. But the federal crime here under election law was rejected by the Department of Justice. They didn’t feel that this should be charged.
He’s got great eyebrows. Anyway, he’s right. It’s lawfare. They can’t beat Trump politically because so far, he’s defied all the laws of politics, so they’ve decided to defy all the laws. Alvin Bragg is like O.J., except slower, fatter and more alive.
They’re twisting the law like a balloon animal with scoliosis to prevent a second Trump term, and they could very well end up bringing it about. On the first day, over half the jurors were nixed after saying they couldn’t be impartial. No s***! The city is bluer than a Smurf’s b**** after sitting on an ice block.
VideoSo it’s not within the court that matters, where the evidence is key, it’s what’s outside the courtroom where the pressure to crush Trump matters more. Bottom line: The Dems hate Trump so much that they’re willing to destroy the legal system, and now they’re on the verge of cementing their own worst nightmare — another Trump term. And this time, he’ll be older, wiser and hopefully less h****.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).
